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Well i got some big trouble with my love.. Its not that easy, im a person which is always happy but yesterday was the first time in my life I was totaly down, just for you to imagine, i broke the contact with my father cause he used to be an alcoholic but the situation which happened yesterday was worst than the shit with my father.
I some kind of broke my heart so hers would not break more.. sorry for my bad english at the moment but im a bit tired and you want to hear the story so im going to tell you: I found a nice girl named Lucy, I saw her an fell in love instand, so far so good.. i thought that i should go to her (was in the train) and speak with her because i knew she was something very special.
As i spoke to her i felt like shes gonna be the right one, that was like ehm... 1 year ago i quess, she goes to an college so shes only at home every second weekend.. We instandly matched together and laught about the same jokes, i was able to speak about everything with her
But i know my self quite good so i know that on some day i will start to feel unlucky and unluckier with every day that passes, thats what happened with every girl i ever had a relationship with.. i always felt cramped after 2 months of relationship.. but she was not like the others, i dont kow if you know what borderline is, but she got that disease
I told her every time she cried that i was here for here and that i would never let her go.. but that is a pretty pretty hard disease with a suicide rate of 30%.. but i was there for her, every day
as the days passed and she was away i felt good, i had a girlfriend but she was not here so i could not feel cramped but on some day i thought pretty deep and as i said, i know myself and i knew that i would break her heart aswell..
I didnt know what to do, i was scared that she would to shit if i break her heart.. you can never know... so i told myself that i have to leave her as fast as i can otherwise i would let the relationship go on and then i would break her heart after months or years of relationship..
She means the world to me, so I wanted to make it "easy" for her.. I spoke to her and told her that i cant fullfill the things she wants.. (she wants to be close to me, she wants to life with me but i am not able to life like this) i told her that i dont know where i will be in 2 years.. i dont even know if i will be in germany ..
I cant plan my life like this.. she is the girl of my dreams, i know that but i have to make her life better and i noticed that her life would be better without me.. thats what i told her.. and from this point on, the shit started to get really serious..
she started crying and punshed me some times i totaly understood that.. thats what i told her.. Everytime i had a girl i broke her heart and they hate me.. everytime.. so i thought that just ONE TIME i will try some other way and finish the relationship befor it really started.. i just did what my heart told me..
I never broke my heart and no one ever broke it. but now i feel the pain the people talk about.. Its not easy to explain but i feel very bad and i hate myself for doing that to her.. but in the end i hope thats the best decision i could make for her.. not for me
But in the end, even if i feel depressed, and if there is one thing which i wish for her, then i wish that she is able to forget me and just keep on with her life..
its not easy to hold people with borderline, they are sad so often.. and if i think about her beeing alone right now... I dont know what she is doing that is what makes me feel really really sad... I never want to make a girl as sad as i made her and i promised to myself that i will never do that in my life again.. even if I have to die alone, its not worth it.. I dont want to do that again.
But hey man, as much as i think about it, im good :) im positiv and im good with my life ! i got my people and i done a good thing for her, if she understands it or not shouldnt be a problem for me :) so lets rock life!
It sounds like you have had some rough days - hang in, stay with friends, keep in touch. You have already had ups and downs in life and you are doing pretty good - stay that way because you are important to a lot of people. Beside all that - we need you to stick around Camping Babble - you keep it fun and interesting for people like me.
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